Tall Tales of Felony and Failure by Warren Haustrumerda

Author:Warren Haustrumerda [Haustrumerda, Warren]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: short story, black comedy, dark fantasy
ISBN: 9781936222971
Publisher: Wild Child Publishing
Published: 2011-06-28T17:02:52+00:00

* * *

Chapter Seven

I don’t know how much I trust my understanding of events. Since my head wound, I feel slightly disassociated, disengaged. It’s as though there’s a filter removing the parts of each day that don’t align with some absurd, preordained farce, and my brain fills in these empty bits with scripted nonsense. I forget these moments of clarity. Soon, I’ll forget this.

* * * *

This is the first morning in weeks that I haven’t woken with a headache. I’m a little down from the drinking and am still sweating like a pig, but my skull isn’t screaming at me. I look up in the pre-dawn and gingerly take off my cap, peeling it away from the wound. The sun and fresh air will be good for it.

Tom’s still crashed, lightweight that he is, so I rise from my raft quietly. After stretching, I set off to find the coffee pile.

There is no coffee pile. I manage to scrounge some sealed single-serving pouches of instant from the food pile. Tom, who’s letting his organizational responsibilities slip, didn’t think to bring any cups of hot water. I resort to pulling a fat pinch of instant coffee from one of the pouches which I pack under my lip like a big old rub. It’s gritty as hell, and it tastes like ass. I run a hand through my greasy, matted hair and play with the coffee grit floating around my mouth with my tongue. I feel like a fucking prom queen. I light a cigarette to go with my coffee, and start harassing Tom.

“Get the fuck up you raft-sleeping cock sucker! Come on, sister, wake up!” I’m kicking the crap out of his raft to reinforce my point. God, this feels good! Steal all of my beer? I’m like an elephant. I don’t forget that shit.

Tom wakes sniveling, and then lurches up swinging, barely missing my face as I throw myself backwards to the ground. The immediate threat vanquished, he slouches and looks around evilly, getting his bearings. “What the fuck?” he asks.

“Sorry, Tom, but I just saw a bear.”

“Wha…where?” He’s still confused, rubbing the morning crackers from his eyes.

“Everywhere. They’re jungle bears, smarter than the bears you’re used to.”

“I’m not used to any fucking bears. I don’t think there’re any fucking jungle bears, anyway. Bears live in fucking Jellystone, not in fucking China, or wherever the fuck we are.” He’s waking up now. “Except panda bears. Was it a panda bear?”

Goddamn you, Animal Channel. He watches that almost as much as the History Channel--at least enough to learn quite a bit about fucking bears.

“I don’t know much about bears. I only know they hate sleeping, drunken idiots. So, are you awake yet?”

“Yes, I’m fucking awake. Quit harassing me. My head’s killing me. Have you made any coffee yet?”

“No, and don’t blame me, either. Your lack of planning fucked us.” I keep my clever new way of drinking coffee to myself. He doesn’t deserve any this morning.

“Are you eating dirt?” he asks.

Download

Copyright Disclaimer:
This site does not store any files on its server. We only index and link to content provided by other sites. Please contact the content providers to delete copyright contents if any and email us, we'll remove relevant links or contents immediately.